We at The Booze News tried our hardest (for five minutes) to get an interview with Bobby Knight but he declined, as he does to most media. But we did get a (fake) interview with Sampson and this is what he had to say to the students of IU (we think).

Q: Are these phone call allegations true?
A: Well, it all depends on your interpretation of the rule. For example, some people believe that statutory rape is a law that prohibits having sex with a minor. But, my interpretation of it is that it prohibits people from having sex with statues.

Q: Did you make the phone calls or not?
A: Look, they were drunk dials. That’s all. I wasn’t really thinking and we all make mistakes, right? I mean, that’s what I tell my son.

Q: Do you think it is smart for a coach to be making drunk dials?
A: Look I had a piss test the next day, and since I couldn’t get high I had to drink. And I didn’t even drink that much, but a couple games of sink the biz really did me in. I can see why you guys like that game, it’s pretty good. If I could coach a team in that sport, we would dominate, I promise.

Q: What do you see your future here at IU to be?
A: I screwed up. We’ll see, hopefully I’ll pass the drug test, that’s the most important thing to me right now. And hey, at least I didn’t choke one of our players, I mean that has to count for something, right? I think it does...

Q: Any final comments you want to make about the allegations?
A: I didn’t kill anybody, so everybody needs to stop trippin.’ I mean imagine that, right? And it’s not like I had some scandalous videos come out of me and some students here at school (wait, take that off the record, I’m not sure if that tape was destroyed yet).

Q: Where is A.J., really? Students claim to see him at the bar every night.
A: Personal issues means stay the hell out of his biz, maybe he has a death in the fam, maybe he’s got a baby, maybe he just wants to be an average student and hit up Roy’s every night…none of your biz.

Q: Is Bobby Knight going to take over your job?
A: I hope so, he would have called a time out after Wisconsin made a three to win the game and we would have won, then in true Knight fashion, he will lead us to the Final Four. Also, he would cheer with students when they say “$#&! you refs,” because really they just don’t like me.