My beer pong table does it all. Seven feet long and painted like the Rastafarian flag, it serves as a desk for my roommates and me to be top scholars. Countless meals have been served upon its glossy top, but, its true purpose is a beer pong table. After many a sentimental game, I’ve come to notice the true characters that emerge as the night goes on. Watch out for these competitors next time you are up at the table:

The Viking
The name comes from the way this person screams out as they play the game. They view those ten cups across the table as some dragon they need to slay. They are focused like a little kid on Bozo hoping that there is a trip to Disney or a new bike in that last cup. After every shot, regardless of whether they sunk it or they hit the girl sitting on the couch, a barbaric yawp erupts. ARRRGUUUHHH!” Easy Leif Ericson.

The Shaquille O’Neal
Short or tall, these players figure they can just lean right over the table and practically drop the ball in. Take a step back next time and throw up a bomb yelling “Kobe!” at your partner. The onlookers will be much more impressed.

The Fugly Slut Trying to Distract You
Every table has seen the ugly, drunk girl who thinks that you’ll blow the game if she flashes her nasty cleavage your way. She assumes the sheer sight of two breasts pressed together will force you into some uncontrollable spasm, and you’ll chuck the pong at the ceiling. Even better, when you put two girls on opposite sides of the table, they assume the other girl is a lesbian and continue these stupid ways of distracting each other.

The Professional
“Beer Pong?” is the first thing this player has to say when talking about the nights events. These beer pong aficionados know every rule and have logged countless hours on numerous tables. Maybe they’ve even called it Beirut (smartass). Their names are on the list even before they arrive. One problem…chugging 10 Natty Lights from those plastic red cups will eventually bring down even the greatest player. The most pathetic thing is that you’ll find them after they have lost, hailing a cab to go to Denny’s to stuff their sorrows in a Heartland Scrambler.

The Fluke
We’ve all seen this drunken one-hit-wonder. He stumbles up to the table with a stain on his pants, making you wonder if he bumped into somebody or just couldn’t hold it. One thing is for sure though, you’ll stop laughing when this hammered individual starts sinking every cup. Watch out, because this stroke of luck is about to end your perfect streak.

Just remember beer pong is a drinking game. Consumption of alcohol and crazy antics are the heart of these games as with many others. Just enjoy yourself and aim for the back edge of the cup. Trust me, it works.