Britney Spears’ new CD, Blackout, is her first album full of new material since 2003. The first line from the first single “Gimme More,” lets the listener know “It’s Britney Bitch.” Uh…cool? Who cares? You haven’t been relevant since I stopped masturbating to you in 8th grade. Ok, high school. Fine, freshman year in college.

Musically, the whole album sounds like Spears is singing in a robot voice over lame wannabe-Timbaland beats, all while trying to be a sexy, chain-smoking mother of two. Ugh. The CD reaches its apex of frustration on Hot As Ice where Spears sings, “Cold as fire baby, hot as ice, ever been to heaven baby? It’s twice as nice.” If this isn’t a thinly-veiled song about her herpes outbreaks and Valtrek prescriptions, I don’t know what is.

Britney, will you please just take your millions, your shame, and your addictions and move to the Mississippi boonies?

Download:
The entire CD, it’s like listening to a car accident.

Sounds like:
Britney Spears, if she was a chain-smoking, alcoholic mother of two whose life was in a slow, depressing tailspin. Oh, wait…

Listen to it when:
No one is going to catch you.