Whuddup?

Hey ya’ll.

Umm, yeah. So like, a couple months back my boy Richard Herman called me up askin’ me if I’d wanna come back and give a speech to all ya’ll graduates about like, you know, the real world and shit. I was sittin’ in Turkey at the time, but I looked ahead on my calendar and saw that we be in the Turkimenian offseason and shit, so I was like “Hell yeah I’ll do it.” Yeah, then I was all “How much you payin’ me?” Gotta get paid yo, I guess that’s the first lesson I’m impartin’ on yo cracker asses: Make sure you get paid!

Here my other lesson: Yo degree don’t mean shit. Look at me, man. I decided to stick around and play out that senior season for ya’ll and get my degree and shit, and Deron just jumped ship and went out into the league. Guess who got a degree? Me. Guess who ain’t got no degree? Deron. Guess who playin’ ball right now for millions of dollars. Deron. Guess who had to fly his dumb ass across a goddamn ocean to get here? Dee. Dee GOT the degree man, but what the degree do for Dee? Jerry Sloan ain’t care that I know a buncha’ shit about no stadiums or no recreation. Ain’t no degree in ballin’. Same goes for all you cats out there, just ‘cause you got yo degree don’t qualify you for shit. You gotta earn what’s yours man, you gotta be hungry, you gotta take it.

Shit…how much longer I got left? 12 minutes? You crazy man! I shoulda wrote some of this shit down. Uh…yeah man, the real world crazy. Some weird shit goes on out there and ya’ll wouldn’t believe it. Like, you know what taxes is? Taxes is when you give George W. Bush like 20% of what you make because he’s the boss and shit. Ain’t that a trip? When my accountant called me and told me this I was all “oh hellllllll naw, I worked to get mine, man. I worked.” But then Jeffery told me if I didn’t pay man, I’d be in prison, so I manned up and forked the bills over. That’s another lesson for ya’ll, taxes some wack shit.

Hey, is LaBamba still open? Sorry, I can’t focus man, I’m hungry. When I’m outta here I’ma get one of them burritos as big as ya head. I know that they ain’t really as big as Dee’s head, but Dee like ‘em anyways. That’s another good one for ya’ll: people lie all the time and shit, tellin’ you bout those big burritos that don’t exist. Gotta use ya head to see through the bullshit, man.

What else? What else? Aiight man, I got somthin’ for you. Uh…parents, ya’ll should probably cover ya’ll ears, this story kinda got some stank to it, and I don’t wanna offend ya’ll. You kids listenin’? Man, well one time I like, you know, gettin’ with this honey, right? Things were gettin’ pretty sloppy when, man, no lube! Can you get that shit? What kinda bitch ain’t got no lube? So I was flippin’ out until I was all like “Dee, you smart, you got ya degree, why don’t ya make lube?” I ran my naked ass into the kitchen and got me some Hidden Valley man. Yeh, that shit even had some bacon bits. Who doesn’t like bacon? I figure gotta make it tasty, right? Hahaha, Dee, you wild. Anyway, so yeah, here I am nailin’ this broad salad-style when you know, I guess what I’m trying to say is you gotta think on yo feet.

Aiight parents, ya’ll can listen again. Dee looks out on all of yo’ asses and he sees one thing—too many white folk. Haha, just playin’ man, my accountant white. I look out on ya’ll students and I see the future. I see me some future teachers and librarians and supervisors and shit and I think to myself “Hah, at least Dee still better than all these honkeys.” Dee knows he can still ball and Dee knows that his services in demand all over this wide world, man. Lookin’ at all you Trent Meacham-ass motherfuckers out there, I’m seein’ ya $40,000 jobs and I laugh man. Thanks for invite my ass back here, ya’ll sad sights really perked the Dee Brown up.

Now which one ya’ll hoes wanna blow me?