I am willing to suppose that the majority of you still have a connection with the older members of your family, and if you don’t then I’m sure you work with some old people or something. The point is old people are all around. Old people can be cool, they can be nice, they can be insightful, and they can even be a good time.

So let’s first deal with the 30 year olds. Thirty isn’t that old but it is a big enough difference to create a bit of a schism between your drink drink drink drink life and their drink drink life. Some 30 year olds haven’t killed off all their brain cells and they can remember what being 20 was like so they don’t talk to you about politics or mortgages or whatever. But some just hit you over the head with stuff like, ‘So what are you planning on doing with your major?’. To avoid this just talk to them about one thing…working out. The working out conversation can be a boring but if you play it right it should lead to cool things. Focus on questions like: What music do you listen to? What do you wear, do you sweat a lot, are you sweating now, do you want to go work out…right now? Sorry I personally find older women really, really hot.

Now the 40 year olds. These guys are still healthy on the most part, thanks a ton super science, but they are done with drink drink land. But that doesn’t mean they are done with excitement. The 40 year olds are tied down but they’ve still got some energy. Here’s what you do, get them talking about movies. The movies will still be new releases so you’ll know what’s going on (and dodge the Citizen Kane conversation) but more importantly they’ll relate the movies back to the crazy shit they used to do when they were younger. This is what I call true wisdom.
Let’s skip up to the 60 year olds. The 50 year olds are just dying 40 year olds and they’re a bit on the bacci ball circuit. The 60 year olds are great. The women will just try to set you up with their incredibly hot grand son or daughter and the men will just try to get you to drink they best whiskey. And let me tell you a warm tummy from smooth Irish whiskey in front of a calm fireplace while curled up with an adorable progeny of your new best friend—that’s a good night.

And finally the really old, the ones where numbers grow faint in meaning. These people are so old that their bodies forget to turn on, or off. They are so ancient that a newspaper seems progressive and orange juice constitutes a good breakfast. These folks are hard to get through because half the time they don’t hear you and when they do they forget what you’ve said. I know we all have aging relatives and we put on the cordial simile and say that we respect them so much and how their lives were so tremendous and historic but when we get to chatting with the old folk all we can think about is ‘how am I gonna stand that?’ Here’s what you do. Sit down with them ,ask them if they need anything, tell them, and do this verbatim, tell them that you are a young horn ball that only wants to rule the night, make bed legs whines in pain, fill your hands with the green slime of greed, and never ever get a retirement plan. The old folk will turn their squeaky head towards you, look you in the eye and say, ‘You left out chain smoke until Mexico.’