Here at The Booze News, we find it our duty to bring you the most straight forward, unbiased, and grammatically correct news information available. In an age when the news media struggles to balance financial goals with journalistic integrity, the audience misses out. That is why, for the first and probably last time, we are bringing you The Booze News Presidential Education News and Information Section (TBNPENIS). Here you’ll find all the information that you need to know before entering the voting booth (or hanging out with people who watch the news).

Mike Huckabee
Mike Huckabee is a creationist, meaning that he denies the existence of monkeys. His ardent Christian views have brought into question his ability to keep religion out of his politics, which he has responded to by saying “When my wife, Janet, and I were conceiving our first child, God was in the room with us. He was right there, touching us lovingly and telling us that there would always be a part of him inside us. That’s when I knew I’d be president. Does that answer your question?”

Barack Obama
Barack Hussein Obama was behind 9/11, based on his name, but if you’ve ever seen him before, it doesn’t take more than two minutes to realize that he’s black. As an Illinois senator, Obama has shown an amazing ability to reach out to young voters, again, mostly because he’s black. With less than two years in Washington, some say that Obama is too inexperienced for the Oval Office. Others argue that Bill Clinton was experienced and he still got caught. For a chance at the democratic nomination, Obama will have to beat Hillary, he’ll have to beat her good and hard. To a pulp. A bloody pulp.

John McCain
Having spent five years being tortured in a North Vietnamese prisoner of war camp, Mr. McCain can reasonably be considered the most grizzled old bastard in Washington. His mangled seventy-two-year-old body makes the possibility of a White House sex scandal highly unlikely to most republican voters, a sticking point for his campaign. McCain has already publicly stated that, if nominated by the Republican Party, his running mate will be none other than General Douglas MacArthur, who has now been dead for forty-four years. Just something to think about.

Hillary Clinton
Mrs. Clinton is best known for not giving good head. Former president Bill Clinton’s distaste for his wife’s blowjobs drew him into the arms, and box, of another woman. The scandal has left a poor taste in the mouths of the Clintons, and their daughter, Chelsea, who has surprised everyone by failing to become the little whore first daughter that we all thought she’d be. Despite her many qualifications, it’s clear to almost everyone involved that Mrs. Clinton is really seeking the presidency because she wants to get revenge on Bill by giving a bad blowjob to one of her young male interns (applications available at the Political Science Department in 361 Lincoln Hall).

Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney, president and CEO of the Burlington Coat Factory, Classic Tan, and the Church of Latter Day Saints, claims that his biggest competition in the race is Mike Huckabee’s smile. As a Mormon, Romney does believe in monkeys, unlike Huckabee, but is firm in his belief that all gay monkeys go to hell. When asked if his religious views would influence his politics, Romney stated “When Mike Huckabee and his wife were conceiving their first child, I was in the room with them. It was dark and they couldn’t see me, so I reached out and touched them. I think lost my wedding ring inside one of them. Does that answer your question?”