You know back in the day when you’d see a preview for Wedding Crashers or Dumb and Dumber, and you’d think to yourself, “Man, I hope those weren’t the best parts of the movie?” Well my friends, everything you see in the previews to Jumper is basically the highlights, because it only gets worst when the film actually starts.

The Actual Movie
First things first, this movie is only an hour and twenty minutes. Now, I’m not a fan of movies that go on for over two and a half hours, but Ratatouille was longer than this. And here’s the kicker – nothing really happens in the movie for the first hour or so, which leaves 20 minutes for the entire plot to unfold and all the action to take place.
The Timeline
Within the first ten minutes, you find out that David (Hayden Christensen) is a jumper, and within the next ten minutes, he’s apparently robbed some banks and travelled the world. The next half hour is spent talking about his love life and his quest to make Millie (Rachel Bilson) his woman. And yes, she does look good in the movie. The remaining time is combination of Samuel Jackson yelling, people flying through space/time, and then a ten-minute fight scene that basically ends the movie (for the most part).

If I Could Jump
Since I don’t feel like boring you with the rest of the dramatic details or the cinematic non-achievements of this film, here is a list of things I would do if I had the ability to jump through space:

1) I would travel to Spain and land on a bull during the “Running of the Bulls.” Clearly I would be wearing a Dennis Rodman jersey.
2) I would appear next to Stephen Colbert when he is stopped at a red light and moon him, so that when he looks over he would see my ass. Not because I don’t like him, but because it would easily get me on the show.
4) I would simultaneously eat a Happy Meal, White Castle Cheeseburger Box, Taco Bell’s new Fiesta Platter, Burger King’s Chicken Tenders (not Chicken Fries, which are weird), and a Thickburger.
5) During a basketball game, I would randomly appear on the court and punch Tim Duncan in the face
6) Once I figured out how to travel through time, I would go find David Goyer and Jim Uhls (the writers of Jumper), and shred their work of art.

In the End
Maybe it was the fact that I watched a bootleg copy of this movie on my computer and didn’t appreciate the movie going experience. Or maybe it’s because I think Sam Jackson should have stopped acting back in 2000 after Shaft came out (which he has been holding onto forever). But in the end, this movie was just plain stupid. There’s a slight twist at the end which I won’t ruin for you, but in no way does this movie justify being able to bring in over $50 million so far.