I like it from behind. I'm talking knees bent, hands trailing down my hips to pull me in tighter, and that warm darkness when we finally melt into one. Lights on, lights off, the back of a limo, in bed, or on the quad, it's a guaranteed good time. To be honest, I don't notice what's going on around me once I really get into it. Why not? Because I pass out from sheer ecstasy. That's when I know I've met an enlightened one: a Master Spooner.

Now, before I continue, are you one of the 5.3% of people on this planet who don't know what spooning is? That's absurd. It's like saying you didn't imagine me on all fours when you started reading this. If you already know what it is, either go take a cold shower or skip this paragraph. The rest, listen up! Spooning is when two people are laying on their sides in such a manner that they fit like spoons in a silverware drawer. Logically, the little spoon is the person being held by the big spoon. Why didn't you know that???

As a spooning connoisseur, I've noticed and (unfortunately) experienced all different types of spooners. The good, the bad, and the clammy.

The Greasy Spoon
Some people just don't know how to be a big spoon without becoming a huge hornball. I understand the close proximity can be a very intense physical interaction, but it's people like the Greasies that give spooning a bad rep. When the fingers caressing the stomach slide a little too far down, or the wet willy in the ear just isn't sexy, you've over-stepped the boundary...this isn't foreplay. Stop dry humping me from behind.

The Cowardly Cuchara
You don't have to speak Spanish to know I'm talking about those meek spooners who just won't put forth their entire efforts. The unassertive faint-heartedness is not cute and it doesn't make you seem vulnerable. Just start with baby steps, and if it's that stressful: go buy a body pillow and move on from there.

The Silver Spoon
This person is a top-notch spooner. To achieve this level and prestige, you must possess the sensitivity to read your partner(s?) body language. Perfectly balancing sexiness and snuggle time, your Silver Spoon should make your experience unforgettable...and leave you craving more.

Getting to the spooning stage can happen at various times and scenarios, between lovers or friends, and in conjunction with, or without, sex. There's always room for some spoon and if everyone just admits that now, spooners worldwide will be better off. Over the past few years, spooning hit a rough patch, but it's back (thankfully) and on the rise.

May each of us strive for spooning perfection, and always be conscious not to let the awkward arm underneath fall asleep.