Party etiquette is something I take very seriously. I have a Yale law student’s knowledge of the book of Party Fouls and am quick to point them out. With spring semester approaching and the possibility of me actually going out to party instead of getting plastered in my dorm because it’s too cold, I feel it is necessary to illustrate some of these faux-pas along with a few new ones.

Of course there are the obvious (ie – don’t spill drinks, don’t piss on the seat, don’t bump the pong table), there are several rules that many people break on a regular basis without ever knowing it. Here are the most blatant:

#1. Unless you are a resident of the party’s venue, wait your turn at the keg. Yes ladies, this means you. You can flaunt your meat pillows as much as you want, but you aren’t getting ahead of anyone if I’m running the keg, at least not until the WNBA doesn’t suck.

#2. Introduce yourself to the host. If you’re showing up at a party to meet the girl you had awkward drunk sex with last weekend in hopes of some sweet week two lovin, even though you don’t know anyone else at the party, do yourself the favor of introducing yourself. This avoids the possibility of having to buy several cups because you tried putting yours in your pocket every time you had to take a piss.

#3. Don’t mess with someone’s iPod. Unless you have explicit permission from the owner of said iPod, it’s not your place to turn off “RicKstErS pArtY jaMz” in favor of something a little more jive (yeah, jive), no matter how bad Rickster’s music is.

#4. Don’t jump into a drinking game unless invited. Just don’t do it; it’s rude. Whether it is circle of death, quarters, or Life turned alchy, it’s not your place.

#5. Never cock-block the host. Although I do not live in an apartment and therefore have never hosted a party I feel very strong about this particular rule. Unless the host is obviously ridden with a cornucopia of VD, it’s their right as a host to try and hook up with whomever they please.

#5.1 Mark your territory. If you’re bringing your boyfriend, girlfriend or sibling, have the courtesy to let the host know thusly. Otherwise your high school sophomore sister could end up plastered on jungle juice and Bailey’s, in Rickster’s bedroom, listening to “RiCksTer’s LUV mIx.”

#6. Don’t shit at a party. Seriously people, I cannot begin to explain how awful it is to walk into a bathroom at party with my head spinning and suddenly be immersed in the aftermath of a bowel movement that could kill a moose. What was an innocent trip to break the seal has now evolved into me puking into the bathtub because I refuse to stick my face anywhere near the toilet. This rule cannot be stressed enough.

There you have it. You are now fully prepared to go party hopping without the risk of being kicked out of that rockin’ kegger your brother’s friend’s cousin’s boyfriend is throwing. Oh, and try to avoid Rickster.