Some of the best competitions during football season occur between sections J and P. Every game day, fans pack the stands of Camp Randall and wait in eager anticipation for the big event: The Letter Race! So here you go - a complete guide to picking a winner. Tell that limping bookie named Sly to let you off the hook and quit waiting at your house, cause you're not losing anymore.

J - Look out for J in this week's race. Don't let childish and mentally slow looks lead you to believe that J won't place in the top three. Sure, he struggled as a lower-case letter, but now that J lost his dot, there's no looking back. Coming off recent knee rehabilitation from an old jumping jack injury, J is poised to be a top contender this year at the home game races.

K - As we're all painfully aware, K recently fell under intense media scrutiny after allegations of co-conspiring with his two twin brothers, giving the trio an unfortunate acronym. Eager to make the media attention positive again, K has cleaned up his image by volunteering with local youth, and will hold an official press conference this week. With a September 22 victory, K may even begin contractual talk to become the spokesletter for Special K cereal. But will K be able to pull it all off? Only time will tell. We say: You Go K.

L - L has always been a crowd favorite, and despite the bottom-heavy disadvantage, we have all seen how well L can do. It would be unwise, however, to pick L as a top finisher in this week's race, as credible sources have information on a possible prescription drug addiction. Let's all hope L cleans up so that he can bring his A game (not to be confused with retired runner A; the pride and joy of the older crowd).

M - M seems to be off to a good start this year, with a solid training schedule, and clean living habits, as well as a new endorsement deal with the city of Madison; M is on the fast track to stardom. Be careful however in picking M as a top contender, due to the fact that overwhelming popularity has seemed to get to his head. Case in point: M was seen in Vegas on his weekend off, and is said to have ditched out on the UNLV game completely (M was spotted stalking Kanye's entourage in an attempt to score tickets to the VMAs. Pathetic, M, pathetic).

N - There's no way you're going to forget one of last year's sob stories. If N wasn't tripping, N was falling. It isn't speed that N lacks, but sheer coordination. However, it has been widely whispered that N has been training with plyometrics, and has even been experimenting with ballet. All this aside, N won't be in the top two this week.

O - O got busted for blood doping three weeks ago, and had to fight the Letter Race Commission for a spot in last weeks race. I wouldn't be surprised with O's recent near suspension and fight to keep a spot in the race, if O was all heart this week and managed to place high. Side note to O - why don't you roll instead of run? I've only got a quarter of O's circularity, and on slow days I use my pudge to full advantage by enlisting my roommate to roll me all the way to my 8:50. C'mon O, look in the mirror and say it with me: "I'm a strong, beautiful woman, and God gave me this shape for a reason...to beat the shit out of J,K,L,M,N and P."

P - After overcoming a tumultuous childhood of tears and teasing for his snicker-inducing name, P is poised to take the race this week. He is my favorite, hands-down. With a winning smile and a chin to rival Jay Leno, P should be on top of his game this weekend. The races have always had surprise winners, but P still seems the likely candidate for first.

Good luck to all contenders this week, and to all of you who are going to be placing friendly wagers on the race, remember that Sly reads these scouting reports just like you do.