The other day I’m sitting with my roommate, watching Law & Order SVU, as is standard in my house, and we come across an episode from the 90s. Do you know what flew out the door with the 90s as fast as grunge did? Piercings. Yep, it’s true. Who do you know that is really still getting crazy piercings these days? Not nearly as many people as were doing it ten years ago when it was mainstream. The thing is, sometimes I wonder what our generation is missing out on without all of those barbells dangling from tongues and decorated genitals.

First off there was the tongue piercing. From what I’ve heard, it’s sort of like making out with an ice cube in your mouth. There’s the chill that metal always seems to have, the thrill of a foreign object floating from mouth to mouth, and the occasional teeth-to-hard-object click, which is a little awkward but dangerous all the same. The thing is, this piercing was renowned way more for its below-the-belt bang than for its mouth mingling. Not surprisingly, a tongue piercing can really spice things up in the oral arena, if you know what I mean. (Editor’s note: No, I don’t know what you mean, because I’m retarded.)

Next is the nipple piercing, which I never quite understood. This is the least secretive of the sensual options as it pricks your shirt in a misshapen THO-type of manner. Often when you catch a glimpse of these, you’re not sure if the suspect has an overgrown nipple or just a ring. Plus, this seems more like a hazard than a path to pleasure, seeing as boobs stick out and brush up against things so when there’s a ring, doesn’t it get caught?

Moving on you have the genital piercing. Guys with this type of piercing have what you call a Prince Albert. Now I don’t know who the actual Prince Albert was, or what he was renowned for, but this small Prince is known for his enhanced generosity. Supposedly the added boom to a regular bang makes fireworks go off. I do wonder, however, how painful it is to become crowned and how clean this prince can truly get…

If you’re a girl, it’s not called a Prince Albert and it’s not renowned by the opposite sex because it’s selfish pleasure. There used to be rumors that walking up a flight of stairs was just as climactic as hopping into bed. As intriguing as this is, I’m happy it didn’t catch on; if it had, we’d have girls addicted to stair climbers and some uncomfortable moments in the local gym. As for guys, well they would have totally developed an inferiority complex – after all, what if they can’t do it, but the stairs can?

Piercings have faded from our lives along with Doc Martens, tapered jeans, and Clueless. With the consequences of rings getting stuck together, rings getting unexpectedly pulled out, and not being able to donate any blood for a year, maybe it’s best. Nature, after all, might create such painful repercussions in hopes of keeping our reproductive system intact, so we better take heed. In the unlikely case that you see one of these rarities, though, experiment as much as you can. In the end, they’re a dying breed, it really is now or never.