10. Presidential candidates are coming to visit before the 2008 election. Clinton and Giuliani are expected to be as entertaining as usual.
Txt: Nap time at Foellinger!

9. For the first time since it s opening, laughter is heard coming from Legends. There are reports of good times and smiles as well as lines outside of the “bar.”
Txt: Run there! Won’t last long!

8. Tornado hits Illini Tower. Students’ lives are in danger.
Txt: Save Jeffrey Jordan!

7. The Illinois basketball season is cancelled after threats are made against the team, as well as the beloved Jeffery Jordan, who thankfully escaped the tornado that tragically hit Illini Tower.
Txt: Whatever! As long as Jeffrey is alive
and well!

6. Chlamydia outbreak on campus.
Txt: All males 18-22 report to McKinley.

5. Danville bum’s car is finally in working condition. His wife has given birth to a baby boy after four strenuous years of pregnancy.
Txt: Forward spare change to Black Cowboy.

4. Juice Williams is injured during practice, out for season. Zook is seen crying all over campus.
Txt: Thank God for E. McGee!

3. ”Real World” cast guest bartending at Station.
Txt : If you haven’t banged Trishelle yet, please report to Station

2. Cly’s now has 90’s night.
Txt: Remember those girls who sang M’bop?

1. Bar age becomes 21. Freshmen grades skyrocket while their spirits fall.
Txt: Kams shuts down.