If you’re one of those people who interjects into a political conversation and says something like, “Why are you even talking about politicians? They’re all just robot puppets for the larger corporate enslavement machine,” then this feature is for you. The Booze News has gathered a list of alternative presidential candidates for you to consider. No Democrats. No Republicans. Just good, hard-working, and honest schizophrenics.

(Disclaimer: All of the information presented in this feature was obtained from either Wikipedia or the actual candidate’s websites.)

Frank Moore
Performance Artist
This guy is known for his 4-5 hour long performances, some involving nudism and erotica. But get this, he has cerebral palsy, so he can’t walk or talk…(Having provided me with this information, I once again curse Wikipedia for leaving me with more questions than answers). Confusion aside, I need to be honest with my audience and address the gorilla in the room by declaring officially that it would be really embarrassing to have a president that can’t walk or talk. The guy has a laser pointer strapped to his head, and he uses it to point at a poster of the alphabet, thus spelling out what he wants to say. It would take this guy weeks to give his State of the Union speech, and by the time he got to the ringing red phone at 3 AM, we’d all be dead. I deny you of my endorsement, Frank Moore, and I insist that you soon learn how to walk and talk. Most toddlers have a grasp on these skills, so you have no acceptable excuses.

Jack Grimes
Fascist Party Candidate
Jack Grimes was on The Jerry Springer Show. Jack Grimes was on The Jerry Springer Show. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. It’s just that I’m confused because I really thought that there was a clause in the Constitution that prohibits any former guest of the Jerry Springer show from running for president. Total lack of legitimacy aside, Jack Grimes is a power-hungry bastard. The first objective of his United Fascist Union Party is to, and I quote from his website, “institute a military Dictatorship form of government over the Earth.” His confidence is remarkably high too, as is evident from the question on his website (that he wrote himself), “If you do not become president in 2008, what will you do afterwards?” This question could have been written more concisely as “What will you be doing in 2008?”

John Taylor Bowles
National Socialist Order of America Party (White Supremacy Party)
I know that the spelling isn’t exactly right, but based on his name, I can already tell that this guy is full of shit. Bowles’ campaign is run out of his “Redneck Shop” in Laurens, South Carolina, and he is listed as the sole financial contributor. Bowles proudly associates with the Nazis and the KKK, showing that he’s got a strong base with a lot of staying power. Bowles advocates the deportation of all non-whites to Asia, Africa, and the Middle East, and the recall of all American troops from abroad so that they can defend the Southern border against invasion from the Mexicans. I’m hard pressed to find a comedic anecdote that can do justice to the brilliance of Bowles’ plan for America. If you want to make a donation, or just tell J. T. Bowles that you support him, he can be reached at bowlesforpresident@hotmail.com. Drop him a line and make sure to ask about over-seas ticket information if you are a person of color. You’ll be doing some flying after his inauguration.