The Booze News has finally made it. It’s only taken a few years and we’re mainstream, baby. I mean, we’ve really hit it big. Maybe you caught the CNN article online. Better still, you might have seen us on that Fox morning talk show with that stroke guy host and hot girl host. That's right, national tv! Before you know it, you’ll start seeing this staff rollin’ in an Escalade sittin’ on dubs. Gold chains, ice, and most importantly, an eclectic and colorful assortment of sweet money dudes to accompany our nights of debauchery. We’re currently accepting applications for our dream entourage. If you think you cut the mustard, give us a call. Apply within for the following positions:

Enormous Intimidating Dude
First and foremost, we need someone gigantic, or at least two guys well above the curve in height, weight, and intimidation. We want the whole club to know that if you’re gonna mess with somebody, it better not be us. Requirements include tattoos, scars, training in the martial arts or street fighting, and a max bench of at least 400 lbs. This will allow us to do as we please without pesky formalities like waiting in line, general civility, and paying for things. Steven Segal need not apply.

The Schmoozer
We’ll also need someone to sort out our differences with club owners, the long arm of the law, and people we throw to the curb on a nightly basis for giving us lip. Now that we’re all national celebrities, we don’t have to kiss ass. If you want this position, you’ll be doing that for us. People skills are a must. If you’ve ever talked your way out of a sticky situation or into the pants of someone clearly out of your league, this might be the position for you. You’ll try in vain to keep us in line, but more often than not you’ll probably just be bailing us out of jail and trying to stave off federal charges. Just no touching the groupies, please.

Interns/Pledges
This is a position related to the schmoozer, only you’ll be charged with keeping us happy and pampered, rather than keeping us out of trouble. We’ll promise the chance to become one with the staff, but of course you’ll first have to grab us coffee, clean our rooms, do our laundry, keep us on schedule for our appointments, wipe the snot from our noses, etc. We might even let you hold the camera when we get to drunk to see through the viewfinder.

Funny Man
Not that we aren’t all interesting and funny ourselves; we’ll just need someone to entertain our every whim. If you can do impressions or stand-up and write new material every week, that’s what we’re looking for. Physical comedy, like punching yourself in the wiener repeatedly, is especially cool when we’ve had a few chardonnays.

Undersized Hotheaded Italian
We’re negotiating with Joe Pesci, but we’re willing to lowball on this position. You’ll need to be a jerk and instigate situations that only the large bruisers in our posse can bail you out of. Also feel free to haze our interns with unrelenting zeal.

Groupies
We’re a mixed staff, so men and women can apply. The best part about this position is you really don’t have to do anything or even have a personality. Just hang around, be your attractive self, and work that sexy body of yours.