Men are assholes. I know. I am one. We’re irrational, selfish, egotistic, and violent. We’re fueled by testosterone and our libido. The reason for all of this is completely genetic. Humans share 98% of their genetic makeup with Chimpanzees, and at times our behavior is eerily similar. Chimpanzees are incredibly aggressive and violent, whereas Bonobo apes are compassionate, peaceful, and have sex all the time. Man got a mix of those qualities, making us belligerent, extremely competitive, and horny. On the bright side, we don’t throw our shit at each other…well, most of us don’t.

You can observe the behaviors of the “ape-men” in their natural habitat: the bar. The males compete with each other for mating rights with the females. The winner is determined by who can out-dress, out-dance, and out-drink the rest of the competition. However, there is a rare occurrence when the males will actually help each other. This phenomenon is known as the pack-breaker.

It’s a widely known fact that women travel in packs. They arrive at the bar in a group, and they all intend to leave together in a group. Men also travel in groups, but they are groups of individuals. If one man leaves the group, the others continue their pursuits as if nothing has happened. If a girl leaves her group, at least one of the other girls will shit a brick and force the group to follow, due to the fact that one of her cubs has left the pack. It is this pack mentality that creates problems for the male.

The only solution for the males is to cooperate. Thus, the two initiate the pack-breaker. Let’s break down the situation: Guy A is trying to go home with Girl A, and Guy B is attempting to get with Girl B. Girl A wants to get with Guy A, but won’t leave unless she knows where Girl B is going. Girl A does not know Guy B, nor does she trust him.

Guys A and B know nothing about each other. In fact, they could be bitter enemies, but at the moment they need each other. Guy A will flatter Guy B and vice versa to a point nearing verbal fellatio. The paradox of the situation is that the two men will become the best of friends for a short time in the hopes that they both depart quickly and never see each other again.

If the pack break is a success, then all parties are satisfied (hopefully). This is truly a miracle of humanity. Nothing motivates a guy like the knowledge that he is about to get laid. As Robin Williams once noted, “Men think with two heads, and there’s only enough blood for one at a time.” The pack breaker brings out the best of mankind. Imagine it! Cubs and Cardinals fans working together to at least get to third base, Israelis and Palestinians cooperating to claim part of a lady’s Gaza Strip, and Democrats and Republicans abandoning partisan politics in order to filibust a nut.

Here’s to the pack breaker: helping dudes hook up for hundreds of years. Mankind has conquered the pack breaker, but we still have a long way to go before we cure whiskey dick.