For approximately two weeks I was the proud owner of a brand new bicycle I had coined, “Swift Sally.” They were some of the best days of my collegiate career as I rode that bicycle everywhere I could. One Wednesday evening, however, everything changed when, between the hours of 9 p.m., and 5 a.m. Central Standard Time, an unknown assailant ripped her from her bike lock (leaving the lock intact) and took her from her beloved home. At the time, Sally was assumed deceased and irrecoverable; however, due to a recent sighting on Wright and University, there may still be hope for Sally after all. This is my plea for her life and safe return.

Dear Sir or Madam:
In order for you to understand the impact of my loss, you must first know how I came about owning such a beautiful bicycle. I assume you also were overwhelmed by her beauty as out of so many you chose her. Why her? Of all the bicycles on that rail that night, why would you have to take my innocent Sally??? WHY?
On a brisk and magical evening in late March, I set foot inside one of my least favorite places, Wal-Mart, with the dull task of buying groceries with my mom. Although I was happy to take the free handout from my parents, grocery shopping is about as fun as crawling over shards of broken glass- naked, which I would now do if it meant I could have her back. Really. Broken glass. Naked. Think about it.

I wasn’t looking for anything too fancy and figured any bike would do, when I saw her- a sleek, purple and silver seven speed with a petite frame and badass aura. She looked as if she could ride like lightening, and I knew at once that she was the bike for me- “Swift Sally.” Seriously- what do you want? You didn’t even leave a note! I’m sure you don’t really need her; you just enjoyed the thrill, right? Well you know what would give me a thrill? Taking that bike lock you so graciously left unscathed and locking you up in some dark, cold cell with only your thoughts and conscious until you starved or suffered from some other horrible death.

Unfortunately, just a couple of fun-filled weeks later I arrived home on that fateful night to the horrifying sight of my empty bike lock. Sally was just…gone. It was like some terrible nightmare I just couldn’t pull myself out of. With every passing day I become more and more fearful for Sally’s well-being. Are you taking care of her? Do you cover her seat with a plastic bag when you know it’s going to rain? Do you try to keep her out of the rain at all? Don’t let that beautiful frame rust!

I’ll have you know - I am 80% sure you have been spotted with my beloved Sally. A certain TBN editor (Editor’s note: THAT’S ME!) happened to spot her outside a certain gas station while on a late night nacho run. (Editor’s note: And the gas station didn’t even have nachos! What the fuck?!) Again, I am still unsure of this fact, but he thought it was worth mentioning to me that a male was riding what looked to be an exact replica of my purple bicycle. What kind of guy would have a purple bike, huh? I’ll tell you who, a perpetrator of the law- a soulless adrenaline-thirsty thief and criminal! Just know that there people looking out for you and Sally, including myself. We will find you both, and when we do - you shall pay. Please just return her and your life will be much simpler and less threatened, I can assure you.

Sincerely,

Danyel

P.S. Could you just tell her I miss her and still haven’t forgotten her? And give her a pat on the handlebars? She really likes that. I have her horn, basket, and reflectors here, waiting for her. Just tell her that, please.