To a few, Valentine’s Day (hereafter VD) is a special time filled with chocolates, wine and hot sex; but to most it simply serves as a reminder that you haven’t had a decent lay in 6 months. As a testament to all of these individuals, this is the story of one co-ed, Lucy, and her VD - proof that it really could be worse.

9:00 A.M. Lucy wakes early to prepare for her day since she expects her boyfriend, Doug, to come over bright and early with a VD breakfast and a quickie before class. She showers, fixes her hair, attempts to fix her face, and jumps back in bed after putting on a sexy little number she dropped mad cash on at Victoria’s Secret a few days prior. She wants to surprise Doug and hopes that a big fat sausage will be the main component of her breakfast.

10:00 A.M. Lucy impatiently awaits Doug’s arrival and starts to get antsy. She decides to get herself warmed up for him and reaches in her bedside drawer for her trusted vibrator. Unfortunately, after about 30 seconds, the batteries die and she’s left hanging and ultra-horny.

12:00 P.M. Just before Lucy’s first class, Doug finally makes his way to her apartment. He walks in to find her on the bed, half naked, obviously waiting for him. After voicing her frustrations, she’s ready to get down to business. She says, “It’s about damn time you showed up! Now we really have to be super-quick! I was about ready to change out of this!” Doug simply stares at her for a moment before he’s forced to divert his eyes. “I wish you would have…” He then asks her to cover herself up and begins: “Look, Luce, we need to talk. I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been avoiding you and sex for a while now. The truth is, you’ve gained some weight, quite a bit actually, and, well, you’re not exactly full of great moves in bed. In fact, you straight up suck in the sack. I’ve been seeing someone else and I’ve been cheating on you for the past 5 months.” Lucy can’t believe what she’s hearing. “Who is she?!” Doug looks her straight in the eyes, “Actually, it’s a HE. You’ve kind of ruined vaginas for me…”

1:00 P.M. A devastated and confused Lucy decides to skip class and calls her best friend, Mark. He explains that he’s known for a while after catching her ex- in action (a scene he still wishes he had never witnessed) and that he has a surprise for her; she decides to meet him at Legends since she looks and feels like shit and knows she won’t run into anyone important and everyone there will look worse than her anyway.

3:00 P.M. As Lucy nears their rendezvous site, she sees Mark a block away. Almost immediately she notices he’s holding a leash, which is attached to the most adorable puppy she’s ever seen. It’s a Golden Retriever with a pink bow around its neck. Lucy’s heart melts and she instantly forgets all about Doug! But suddenly, the puppy steps out right into the path of the 22 ILLINI and splatters all over Green Street right before Lucy’s eyes. So much for Mark professing his undying love…

5:00 P.M. After a few tear-filled hours, Lucy decides to call a few of her girlfriends, hoping she can at least salvage her night. She calls up her classmate, Mallory, because she assumes she doesn’t have a boyfriend and might be free for the night. Mallory answers, “Lucy, are you alright? Where the hell were you today?!” Lucy begins to explain, but Mallory cuts her off, “You missed our exam, Lucy! It was worth 25% of our grade and you don’t have an excuse!” Lucy freaks out and runs to look in her planner. She had been so busy making VD plans, she had absolutely forgotten about the exam. So much for that “A” she desperately needed.

7:00 P.M. Lucy notices she’s had a random voicemail on her phone all day and decides to listen with the hopes she’ll hear some good news. “Yes, this message is for Lucy. Planned Parenthood here. We have the results from your last visit and we need to notify you of something we found. Please brace yourself, hunny. We discovered that you’ve contracted HIV. Please contact our office immediately for treatment options.”

And with that our Lucy went to her room and softly shut the door. She climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to her eyes all while thinking “Why me? And why today?” Then it hit Lucy, it happened because it was VD, and VD fucking sucks.