I’ll put it in the simplest terms possible: The University of Illinois is in trouble. The administration’s onslaught of bullshit upon the student body has reached the point of all-out authoritarianism. We, the students, the payers of tuition, the pulse of this university, the people most important to the integrity of this seemingly great institution, are fed up.
As we all know, it all started last year when the Chief was taken from us in the most shady inside operation in Illinois history. Against overwhelming opposition from the Illini students and fans, the administration banished our most sacred and beloved symbol. No questions asked. But it didn’t end there. The University decided, “Hey, we got away with that one, let’s see what else we can get away with…”

In a move to squeeze every available penny out of the Illini fanbase, the athletic department tapped into the students’ season ticket reserve and sold the Michigan game tickets to non-students for top dollar. Even though every student who bought season tickets had his or her email address in a database somewhere, there was no warning, no apology, no “Uh, sorry dude, but we sold your ticket to the Michigan game.” Worst of all, we had to find out at the ticket office when we noticed a gaping hole in the ticket page. Bullshit? Yes. Unexpected? No, not these days. But it’s ok, I don’t mind giving up my seat to the biggest game of the year. Thanks for asking…

At least we still have Unofficial, right? Right?!? Well, for the time being, yeah, we have a watered-down, nowhere near as cool, cop-patrolled and administration-nannied Unofficial. Last March, in an effort to rid our University of our right to party and have a landmark holiday, the school sent letters to each of our parents, addressing the problems with Unofficial and the dangers it presents. A letter to our parents? What is this? Fourth grade?! Oh yeah, they also prevented liquor stores from selling kegs the day of and told professors to schedule exams on the same day. Clearly the school thought that having a holiday dedicated to student unity affected how we were perceived academically, which is ironic considering that schools ranked better than us in most academic categories are allowed to have their own drinking holidays (Wisconsin – Halloween, Cornell – Slope Day, Indiana – Lil 500, etc). But no worries, the list goes on and on…

I’m not as old and wise as some of you alumni, but I’ve been around long enough to know that shit doesn’t come out of a horse’s ass just once - there’s surely more to come. If the University continues to treat us like employees rather than customers, there will reach a point when no one with a set of balls and a healthy appetite for fun will want to attend this university. If you don’t help us straighten out the suits that are working day-in and day-out to suppress our enjoyment of these magical four years, who will? We need your help, alumni. Help us return the U of I to its glory days.

You know, there’s a reason why Richard Herman doesn’t give an annual State of the University speech, it’s because he’d probably get booed off stage.