10. The harvesting of your hamburger
Oh Wow...MmmmMmm!...That is a delicious, juicy piece of meat- so fresh too! In fact, that burger likely consists of bits and pieces from several different large ungulates. After being murdered, the creature is skinned, chopped up, and ground into the substance that you are eating right now. Oh, and most ground beef has some poop in it too. Enjoy!

9. Old people Doin’ It
The wet slap of saggy flesh on saggy flesh. Droopy tits. Unshaven old man balls. A flaccid penis entering a vagina you could back a Ford truck into. If they get done fast enough they can still catch the early bird special at Old Country Buffet.

8. What’s on the bar floor
So you slipped and fell on the bar floor, no big deal, right? Asides from being embarrassed, you just got the deadliest combination of beer, liquor, vomit, urine, saliva, juice, soda, sweat, and who knows what else all over yourself. Gross.

7. Drowning in human feces
Looks like that job you took at the poop plant was a mistake. Falling into that shit vat, where thousands upon thousands of people’s excrement mix, was an even bigger mistake. As your lungs fill with poo, all you can think of is, “Well, this sure is a shitty way to go out.”

6. The moment you were conceived
Only moments earlier your dad’s penis was thrusting in and out of your mom’s vagina, they were sweaty and moaning, and they probably liked it. Try getting that image out of your brain now, pervert.

5. Getting a papercut on your eyeball
A Clockwork Orange moment, to be sure. Sitting in a chair, eyes peeled open as a stiff piece of notecard is swiftly drawn across your eyeball. You can scream, but that doesn’t drown out the pain as your eye slowly fills with blood.

4. Working full time at 7-Eleven
Another drunk kid comes in asking if there is a 3-for-2 special on Parliament Lights. You sigh and tell him the special ended last week. You look at your coworker with disgust as you realize she is morbidly obese and mildly crazy. Hope a robbery goes wrong so you get shot in the face, a fitting ending to a miserable life.

3. Finding out he/she is a he-she
Things are getting hot and heavy with Jenni, how did you meet her in a bar, and how did all of this happen so fast? As you unbutton her jeans you can tell something is very much not right, either that’s the biggest clitoris in history, or you’ve just spent the last 2 hours making out with some chick that has a wiener.

2. All the children guys kill
The computer screen glows softly as you shoot off another wad into a dirty gym sock, and another potential child never has a chance. If you could only cut back to once a day you could have a standing army of little clones by now, but no, you’re too selfish for that, aren’t you?

1. The time the condom broke
It’s been three months and you still haven’t mustered up the courage to go to the clinic. Every time you feel a slight tingle in your nether-regions, every time you need to give yourself an odd-placed scratch, you wonder, “Did that dirty guy/girl give me something?” Then you close your eyes and shake your head back-and-forth violently; no no NO! You don’t even want to think about it...what’s on TV?