Goddamn Pedestrians
By Speed Racer

Bitch, its 2008! Why the hell are you still walking? Get with the program. Ever since cavemen invented the wheel, man has been making advancements in transportation. The cart, the chariot, the carriage, the bicycle and finally the automobile; all created specifically so you wouldn’t have to tire your feet. Yet you, in your ignorant stubbornness, choose to regress to ancient modes of transit. Your refusal to accept the present is mindboggling. It’s like someone saying that they still believe in Zeus. In addition, society has come to recognize your incompetence and will punish you for it!

You want to get a burger at 1:00a.m. Oh, snap! Sorry bitch. The counter is closed, but the drive-thru is open an hour later. Why don’t you walk through? Oh shit! You can’t trip the weight censor without a car. Looks like I’ll be enjoying a tasty Spicy Baconator on the highway while your dumbass walks home hungry. Is it snowing? Have fun tramping through a foot of snow in frigid temperatures while I cruise through snow-plowed streets with my heat on blast. Going on a date? Why don’t you pick her up at eight in your brand new 2008 Pro Keds? Even the 40 Year Old Virgin had a bicycle, you jackass.

Really though, I could give a damn if you listen to what I’m saying, but God help you if you really think that you ever have the right of way as a pedestrian. Oh, I’ll sit still at red lights. Sometimes, I’ll even slow down for yellow ones. But may Zeus have mercy on your soul if you try to jaywalk in front of my car when that light turns green. I’ll respect the rules of the road as long as you stay the hell out of my way. To be honest, I wouldn’t slow down if your shriveled arthritic grandma stepped into that cross walk.

Furthermore, I hereby accuse all pedestrians of actively resisting the advance of technology, and being in cahoots with both religious fundamentalists and Ted Kaczynski. Why do you hate America? So now, for your backward, primitive, antinationalistic, pagan loving, Unabomber-supporting from of transportation, I hereby blacklist all pedestrians. If you don’t believe me, test me!

Goddamn Drivers
By “Old Man” Jenkins

These goddamn drivers in their fancy automobiles! Who do they think they are? I remember when decent God-fearing folks like me used to have to use our feet to get around, and not simply by pushing a pedal to some sort of metal. Bunch of lazy, morbidly obese, goddamn heathens! If God had intended us to drive, he would have given us wheels for feet and had us drink petroleum. Well I’ve only done that once, and I’ll tell you like the doctor told me; “crazy, old, drunk man, you’re not supposed to drink petroleum.” Damn right!

Who does the government think they are? Telling me where and when I can and can’t walk. Them bastards had the nerve to arrest me for trying to run my ass to Chicago on I-57. Fucker pulled me over doing 15 mph, talking ‘bout “was I lost”? Goddamn it, you must be lost thinking your gonna stop me from running on this there highway just cuz your crazy law book says so. If Forest Gump could do it, then why can’t I? I mean shit, he was able to run across the whole country on the side of highways, freeways, byways, avenues, boulevards, ways, bridges, and even honorary roads! Also, those damn walk/don’t walk symbols at street corners are just plain annoying and lame. Stop telling me what to do, fool! Why don’t you just let the cars do the voting and elect a goddamn Ford Pinto to be the President of the United States?

I’ll bet not-a-one of you bastards reading this here article can even remember a single answer to one of the questions on that driving school test. And the other half of you can’t even see damn near a foot beyond your nose. But still, you drive with your fancy vision fixin’ lenses, with your fast food in the one hand, and your text messaging in the other, and the road head in the middle, and your stereo’s blasting to high heaven! Goddamn multitasking drivers! You make me sick! Polluting the environment and messing up God’s green earth. That’s why ima have to blacklist all ya damn drivers, truckers, racers, and motorists. Get the hell off the road!